Within 4 walls

Sitting in the stillness of JL's cousin's house in Sydney listening to the gentle whirring of the CPU as I browse through blogs and reflect on the day's events. We spent yesterday visiting the fish market, eating a sumptious meal of grilled whole flounder, chips and cute wee scallops buried in layers of melted cheese and taking the ferry to some unknown destination and enjoying the sights of opera house and harbour bridge and as we cruised along. It's the ideal sort of holiday. Lots of food, lots of sleep, lots of opportunity to rest one's feet, meandering through the streets of Sydney mindlessly with little on the agenda. All this travelling on buses, trains and ferries with JL has given me the chance to get to know her better too, to see a different perspective, where life is taken with a pinch of salt and events in life dealt with as they come. And with time I begin to think that in some ways she's right, life is so unpredictable that sometimes the best way to deal with life is to take it as it comes. Sure, there will be the bitter along the way but it only makes the sweet all the more sweeter. I love the way she embraces life, sees each hurdle as a challenge and as I listen to her on the boat I can't help but do a mental contrast of her attitudes and mine. I am a person who values stability to its utmost, who likes associating with things that are constant, who places loyalty, faithfulness and steadfastness above all other virtues. And then my thoughts switch to contemplating the future, of being out in the working world next year, having the responsibility of making sure the patients are well cared for on my shoulders and I can't help but feel excited yet afraid both at once. And then my mind reels on to the thoughts of possibly getting married, having children, looking after my parents when they grow old, perhaps doing all three while juggling a career all at once and here's when it becomes rather overwhelming and I find myself beating the thoughts back into the recesses of my mind with promises to myself to think about them in the future but one at a time. And then I wonder, since when have I become like this, from a person who so embraced the progressions through life--high school, uni, marriage, childbirth-- to one so filled with trepidation about the future?
Recently too, I've been getting these flags popping up every once so often in my mind, little "I must be more..." flags, I call them, reminding myself that to be a good doctor, daughter, wife (perhaps), mother (perhaps), I have to be more organised, caring, obliging, loving, accommodating... aargh... its too much really, and so I cope with it in the one way I've learnt well-- we beat it back into the recesses of my mind

Just completed 2 sets of OSCEs and as usual, have a funny story to tell about the stupid things Hilda does during the exams (she invariably will have at least one). Had this station with a guy who had come into the GP coz his girlfriend thinks he's drinking too much and we were asked to take an alcohol history. The interview was going well, and I was on a roll, asking all the right questions, "how much are you drinking, how many times a week, what sort of alcohol do you drink etc..." then suddenly I remembered I had to see if he had developed tolerance towards alcohol. And coz he was the cool, shaggy haired, tattoo type, and since he wasn't happy about coming in to see the GP, I felt like I had to develop more of a connection and for some strange, only God knows why reason I said " so, do you feel you have to drink more nowadays to get the same effect, like you know, the same BUZZ?" Oh my gosh, what I was thinking I honestly do not know but it came out so wrong and the patient couldn't help but giggle. And then it all went downhill from there. Lesson learnt? Hilda should NEVER try to sound cool. Especially not in the OSCEs.

Almost a year since I've written. There has been so much going on, life's ins and outs, struggles, questions, uncertainties but also many moments of joy and learning, where my "strict perspectives" are broadened, the horizon of my mind expanded. Why I should choose now to write, 3 days before my final exams I cannot fathom. I suppose I always tend to get these brief moments of pensiveness before the exams, that punctuate pages upon pages of diabetes management and differentials of hypertension.

As I sit and mull over the fact that these are my final exams of med school ever, I'm amazed at how quickly 6 years have flown by. though having said that I feel ready to move on and start earning my keep-- 6 years of "parasiting from parents" as a friend puts it has been more than enough. Funnily enough though, a part of me likes preparing for these exams and doesn't want it to end. It's weird, I know. But somehow as prepares for the exams the cadence of life is lulled and there is this singleness of mind and heart that works towards a purpose that is noble.