Within 4 walls

The thing about Paeds that bothers me is seeing all the injustices inflicted on completely innocent kids. There are mothers who drug themselves when pregnant, kids who are abused physically, emotionally, sexually, toddlers who in their few months of life have become all too well acquainted with needles, blood tests, chemo, nasogastric tubes. And when I see them, I am suffused by this sense of compassion that very quickly gives rise to indignation that blots out all objectivity. Thoughts and feelings just get so muddled up. In between feeling angry that any mother will destroy their own kid and feeling sorry for the kid, there is an understanding too that it isn't really all the mother's fault, that life sometimes deals unkind blows to pple and they have no other avenue to turn to but to seek solace in drugs. And then I feel afraid because I look at their lives and there is this self acknowledgement that had I been born into similar circumstances I probably wouldn't have had a much different outcome. I am simultaneously aware that as a med student and as a doctor in the future, one is expected to be professional, to not let things get too personal or emotional, to care but not let it influence one's life too much. And that to me is so hard, to be able to dissociate one's heart and mind at command, to leave behind the emotions so one can care rationally, objectively and passionately.

In the end, I am still who I was. Hard core Singaporean, completely rg. Hardworking, competitive, determined, fiercely loyal, hot-headed, opinionated, boyish. I've drunk too much Singaporean water (true, it's bought from Malaysia, but specially purified and fluorinated in Singapore =)), cheered too many deep, diaphragm- originated rg cheers, sung the national anthem for way too large a portion of my life for that to ever change. That is not to mean that I've become blindly patriotic overnight, it just means that I've gone through a gamut of cultures, appreciated many aspects of it, tried unsuccessfully to imbibe certain parts that I thought were beneficial to incorporate into my life, but at the end of all that chipping and molding, I realise that what's left is the core of me, a large part of which is still undeniably Singaporean.

All these years I've spent overseas, a large part of the process has been spent oscillating between liking certain values I see in Singaporeans and wanting to be more Singaporean to developing an abhorence towards Singaporean Kiasuism, competitiveness, stress, unreasonable working expectations, grade-worshipping, the skewed division of time between work and ___? Many people I meet here seem to have an amount of disdain for Singaporean competitiveness and discipline, and to some extent I've tried to change, but at the end of the day I've come to realise that it isn't necessarily a bad thing, there's nothing wrong with studying a lot or to wanting to get good grades as long as you don't trample on another's toes to get it. After all, this competitiveness and discipline is what pulled Singapore out of its miry circumstances in its initial years post separation, it is what made a tiny island of 4 million people one of the world's busiest ports and today it is what keeps us off the streets and keeps crime to a minimum. And for me, personally, it's what keeps me sane, keeps me happy, focussed and fulfilled.
I think I'll just continue being Singaporean.

Geelong today has the most beautiful weather one could ask for-- clear blue skies, light refreshing breeze and lots of wonderful warm sunshine. I love such days where everything is bathed in sunlight, it somehow feels so nurturing, so regenerating, so uplifting. Even better is that on these days, you can look out of our common room window and see the sea glittering in the sunlight and the boats docked at shore. Picture perfect.

On another note, am on call today, which means I will be shadowing the HMO around in the afternoon and going to ED at night. Quite exciting, really, to be in the fray of things, doing practical things like casting broken arms, tying slings, cleaning wounds. Guess it would be different when I am actually responsible for the patient but for now, I'll just enjoy the privilege of not being expected to know and getting to behave stupidly without being judged.

I've gone into a new phase of dawdling and vanity. Strange combination, I know. But recently I've been very kindly inducted into the world of ultimate vanity by the queen of nail polish and the princess of fashion, both of whom happen to be my clinical group mates. And like a fish drawn to bait, suddenly I am hooked. I never knew there was so much expertise in fashion and makeup. I mean, I always knew those worlds existed, but they were so foreign to me I shuddered to venture into them. But when it's explained to you, suddenly, it's a whole new world opened up before you and it kindled some sort of interest such that I actually went to buy make up, straighten my hair and go shopping within 2 days (gasp!), all this I assure you, on a completely voluntary basis. More amazingly, it's quite enjoyable, this process of making oneself look less of a frump, and wasn't overly expensive too. Myer's was having a sale today, so I managed to buy a pullover, a shirt and a pair of earrings for 35 dollars altogether! I feel so successfully de-frumped! =)

The other thing worth mentioning of the weekend just past is the excitement in the house a few hours ago when this guy came over to our place bearing gifts of really lovely Tiramisu, flowers and the sweetest card (hand drawn with beautiful poetry) to invite my housemate to go with him to the upcoming ball! Oh, the rest of us were just swooning, over the Tiramisu first, of course, =) but with tummies and taste buds satisfied, over how sweet a gesture it was. You know what, I think no matter what many people say about how a marriage shouldn't be built on romance, I still think it is so so sweet to be romanced with flowers, cakes, cards... and a relationship should have some of it, doesn't necessarily have to be a lot, but a sprinkling can go a long long way to melting your way into a girl's heart.