Within 4 walls

I am mediocre.

It is a fact that I realise but just can't accept. Realising something and accepting it are 2 completely different things. When you realise something, you acknowledge it's presence and let it reside at the back of your mind, surfacing sometimes perhaps, but mostly kept dormant. Accepting something, on the other hand, requires you to acknowledge it, embrace it and integrate it into part of your being.

It's just so hard for me to accept the fact that I am mediocre. Just so hard. It feels like somebody shoving this huge ball of dough down my throat and coercing me to swallow. But I won't. I'm choking and retching and gasping and grappling at the lump, knowing full well that all I have to do if I want to breathe again is just swallow. But I refuse. I choose to struggle and fight on instead.

I sometimes wonder, if I didn't try hard, would things have been the same? Would they have been different? I mean, I can be criticised for many things I do, but never for not trying. But u know what? sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes I just wanna stop trying. Stop setting insane expectations of myself that I haven't the capacity to meet. Just chill out and go with the flow.

I hold so dear to my heart the Chinese saying "qin2 neng2 bu3 zhuo2". My entire life has been run based on that belief, because I always had faith in its wisdom and truth. But recently it's limitations have become so apparent, I begin to doubt it's authenticity. Maybe I have been a fool from the start.

I am just so full of self directed angst today.